Communist Vampires

Don't Hate on Christmas

2011-12-10T07:29:00.000-08:00

Here's my letter to the editor, which appeared in the December 10, 2011 Santa Monica Daily Press:

Editor:

Mr. Jorg Aadahl ("Different take on Christmas," Letters to the Editor, Dec. 5) is apparently offended that Christmas doesn't have a "neutral name." He prefers that we say Yuletide because it is "all inclusive, for everyone."

But no holiday is "all inclusive." Not everyone chooses to celebrate Chanukah, Halloween, Thanksgiving — or even Yuletide. Nor is there any reason that 100 percent compliance should be a requirement. If one were offended because someone wished them a "Happy Chanukah" or "Happy Thanksgiving," that person would be regarded as a bigot, or just plain weird.

Christmas alone is deemed offensive because not everyone celebrates it. You needn't belong to a religion or ethnicity to appreciate its culture.

Non-Chinese people visit Chinatowns all over the U.S. to enjoy Chinese New Year parades. Non-Latinos visit Olvera Street for Cinco de Mayo and Dia De Los Muertos celebrations. People of many religions visit Native American reservations to admire their religious dances.

Likewise, there's no reason that non-Christians can't look at (and even enjoy) a Christmas lights display. It's not a forced conversion.

Mr. Aadahl also tries to invalidate Christmas for its pagan roots. But many holiday customs are rooted in archaic or discarded practices. Trick-or-treating is no longer about bribing dead spirits to leave us be. Yet that does not invalidate Halloween's modern celebrations.

Thus does Mr. Aadahl criticize Christmas both for being too Christian ("non-inclusive") and not Christian enough ("pagan roots"). He should learn to appreciate that ours is a diverse society, and that Christmas — and Christianity — are significant parts of that diversity.

-- Thomas M. Sipos, Santa Monica, CA

The Cult of Apple

2011-10-08T00:05:00.000-07:00

Steve Jobs is dead, and that's unfortunate from a human standpoint. But I don't get all this fuss over how he and his company supposedly changed technology.

I bought my first computer in 1986. Right now I'm on my 9th computer, which runs
Windows 7. All my life, I've been a DOS/Windows user. I’ve never owned an Apple anything. Nor a Mac, nor anything beginning with an i.

Once, I used a computer running an Apple operating system. It was at Kinko's. I didn't realize it was running Apple (or Mac, or whatever they call their OS) until it CRASHED, and I had to call the clerk for help.

That's right. The Apple OS is so similar to Windows, I didn't even notice I was running Apple rather than Windows. And Apple CRASHES, same as Windows.

(Or rather, same as Windows used to crash. Windows 98 crashed a lot. I've not had crashes with Windows XP or Windows 7.)

Back in the 1990s, I'd read that Apple had about 5% of the OS market share. Windows had the rest (excepting maybe 1% for "others" like Linux and OS/Warp 2). Apple users urged me to switch to Apple. They spoke with religious hysteria. I got the impression they were afraid that Apple might soon go bust, so they wanted to entice other people into buying Apple, to bolster the company's market share.

Apple users have long sounded cultish to me. I've built a dozen or so websites from scratch, using Windows-based Netscape Composer, and then later, Dreamweaver. I've written all my books and scripts on Windows-based software (first WordStar for DOS, then Movie Magic Screenwriter and Open Office). I listen to MP3s on a Sansa Fuse (not iPod) player. My cell phone was Verizon, until I canceled due to their inaccurate billing.

Apple products are, I'm sure, no better than the rest. They just cost more, and have glitzier marketing.

That's the secret of Apple. Glitzy marketing, so as to create a sort of personality cult around the product. Yes, they've run some great ads. But like most ads, they're about image, not reality.

If Apple users were truly the anti-corporate/radical individualists they posture as, they'd switch to Linux.

Windows for the masses. Linux for the rebels. Apple for the poseurs.

-- Thomas M. Sipos

When Screamfest L.A. Was Young

2011-10-06T00:55:00.000-07:00

Today Screamfest L.A. is the largest horror film festival in Los Angeles. A big, splashy event with big studio support.

Yet I remember Screamfest before it was Screamfest.

In 2001, the first annual Screamfest was a small event, an early pioneer in what became this past decade's horror film festival boom. I attended that first Screamfest L.A., reviewing its films for Horrorfind.com.

Horrorfind has long since taken down all its film reviews, mine included. But now a blast from horror's past -- I've uploaded my 2001 Screamfest L.A. report to my Communist Vampires site, which you can read here.

Republican Zombies, Democratic Vampires

2011-09-27T13:11:00.000-07:00

I've never been much for the theory that horror films "reflect social anxieties." I think horror has other primary appeals, such as its "sense of wonder" (something by no means exclusive to science fiction).

However, someone has crunched some box office numbers and TV ratings, and has concluded that vampires films are more popular during Republican presidencies, whereas zombie films are more popular under Democratic presidencies.

S. Peter Davis theorizes that this is because conservatives/libertarians perceive the Left as vampires, whereas liberals/progressives see the Right as zombies. And each of these groups, when out of power, suffer greater "social anxiety," which is reflected in the horror films released at that time.

It's a amusing article. Even better, Davis cites my book, Vampire Nation, as proof of his thesis.

Read Davis's entire article.

McFarland Releases Cover for Horror Film Festivals and Awards

2011-07-08T10:37:00.000-07:00

McFarland Publishing has released the cover for my upcoming book, Horror Film Festivals and Awards.

Although I was not consulted on the cover, I like it. It has a retro, 1960s pop culture, beach party feeling.

It's funky -- and a bit ironic, since most horror film festivals have been founded since 2000. But no matter, for as coincidence would have it, I am a fan of The Horror of Party Beach. (Not a huge coincidence -- I enjoy most horror films.)

I'm currently proof-reading the, ehr, proofs. I am also now creating an index for the book.

The book includes a listing of thousands of past winners, from dozens of horror film festivals and awards, over the course of decades (some 400 manuscript pages when I submitted the book). So the index should take a while. I expect to finish it by late August, although I'm hoping it will be sooner than that.

Either way, Horror Film Festivals and Awards should be available for purchase by late 2011.

What's Wrong With the Saturn Awards?

2011-05-19T16:32:00.000-07:00

In 1997 I wrote an article about the Saturn Awards for Horror magazine. Horror folded before printing it, but my article was eventually published in my 2001 horror collection, Halloween Candy.

Back then I thought that the Saturn Award was the definitive horror film award. But times change. This past decade has seen a mushrooming of horror film festivals and awards, including the one I founded: the Tabloid Witch Awards.

With so many horror film awards around these days (a phenomenon that I discuss in my upcoming book), the Saturn is no longer so special.

Although dated, I now offer this article for free online, as a retrospective of the state of horror film awards in 1997.

Verizon Sucks: Steals Another $50 from Me

2011-05-05T06:42:00.000-07:00

Despite my past problems with Verizon wireless billing, last December I made the mistake of upgrading to their new 4G network.

In late January, I asked Verizon to Suspend my 4G service (for a $15 fee, saving on the monthly $50 charges). Verizon told me my service was Suspended.

Then I got my bill. My 4G service was NOT Suspended. I was charged the full $50.

I called to complain, waited and waded through Verizon's robotic phone menu, and finally told my problem to a human being. She told me that she would fix the problem, crediting me back the money I should have saved.

On my next bill, I saw that I had only been partially credited. I was still overcharged $33. Feeling the futility of dealing with Verizon, I let it rest.

In early March I traveled again, so I un-Suspended my 4G service. In mid-March I asked to re-Suspend service. Verizon assured me they had done so.

Naturally, on my next bill, I saw this was NOT the case. I was charged the full $50.

I phoned again. This time Verizon told me that they offer the option of SUSPENSION WITHOUT BILLING or SUSPENSION WITH BILLING. Verizon had thought I wanted SUSPENSION WITH BILLING.

HUH?

Who would want SUSPENSION WITH BILLING? What's the point of suspending your service if you're still going to be billed?

I finally told Verizon to disconnect the service, despite the ADDITIONAL $160 disconnection fee. The Verizon rep told me "What I can do is charge you the $50, and ask my supervisor to credit you with the $50 on your next bill."

But I knew from my previous dispute just how worthless Verizon's promises to "credit back" are.

I suppose I'll pay the $160 disconnect fee, and dispute the $50 fee on my credit card statement.

I still use Verizon landline and cell phone -- they're next to go. I've had it with Verizon.

PS: If you're wondering if Verizon's 4G broadband wireless is as fast and reliable as Verizon claims, well, it's faster than their 3G ... when it works. But their 4G is not as fast as home wifi.

And Verizon's 4G still has problems with "going dormant." If you stay on any webpage for a minute or so, the 4G will go dormant, and you can't click to another page. Sometimes, you'll have to disconnect and reconnect to get out of dormancy mode (i.e., to wake up the damn 4G modem).

Then there's the problem of the modem disconnecting on its own. That still happens.

Why Do Horror Films Suck?

2011-04-21T01:08:00.000-07:00

Actually, I don't think horror films suck, but there have been some awful ones this past decade -- and some great ones!

Even so, that's the topic of a discussion panel on which I'll serve, at the upcoming 2011 World Horror Convention.

Here are the details:

Why Horror Movies Are Terrible

7:00 PM Friday, April 29 – Dezavala [that's the room's name]

Brad Keene, Thomas Sipos, Joe Hill, SG Browne, Gemma, Files (M), Mark Wheaton

It's not even a question -- most horror movies are terrible, with stories that would be rejected from the smallest zine, acting to embarrass late-night Creature Feature hosts, and YouTube-ready cinematography. But WHY? Is it truly difficult to make an effective horror film, or are the producers and audience just so indiscriminate that quality isn't worth the bother?

I didn't choose the topic, but I do have some things to say on it. Which recent horror films are admirable -- and which are execrable? And why are the latter films are terrible. (The panel's topic.)

I'll also participate in the mass book signing on Saturday night:

MASS SIGNING!

7:30 – 10:00 PM Saturday, April 30 – Phoenix Central

I'll have copies of Vampire Nation, Hollywood Witches, and Pentagon Possessed for whoever wishes a signed copy.

Horror Film Aesthetics Nominated for a Rondo Award

2011-02-18T07:43:00.001-08:00

My book from last year, Horror Film Aesthetics, has been nominated for a Rondo Hatton Classic Horror Award, in Category 10 (Book of the Year).

Anyone can vote online, in any of the award categories, by going to the Rondo Award site.

Mocking TSA Before It Was Cool

2010-11-27T11:43:00.001-08:00

Conservatives finally found the courage to mock the Transportation Security Administration for the TSA's asinine non-security measures. I've heard these so-called "conservatives" -- who claim to support small government -- on talk radio, mocking the TSA's porno-scanners and sexual assault pat-downs.

No, it's not "about time." It's long past "about time." Where were these "conservatives" when the TSA's measures first went into effect? Or when the ridiculous non-safety procedures piled on and on?

The truth is, anyone who criticized the TSA several years ago would have been derided by "conservatives" as a terrorist-lover. A supporter of "Islamo-fascism." Or as Ann Coulter might put it, a "cheese-eating surrender monkey."

For that matter, where were the progressives? I hear that Saturday Night Live ran a sketch criticizing the TSA last week. Yet years ago, many progressives too were afraid to criticize our current wars and non-security measures in public, lest the critics be called "anti-patriotic."

Yes, a minority of progressives, and even s few conservatives and libertarians, did criticize the TSA early on. But they were the relatively few, because it wasn't cool or safe to criticize the TSA.

Perhaps the earliest opponent of 9/11 hysteria was former Libertarian presidential candidate Harry Browne, who criticized the Afghan War on 9/12.

Now I'll blow my own horn. I marched against the Iraq War before it began, along with a minority of Americans who were ignored at the time. I participated in an antiwar play in 2005.

And in 2006 ... I wrote an antiwar/anti-Patriot Act -- and anti-TSA -- screenplay called Pentagon Possessed: A Neocon Horror Story. In 2007 it was a quarterfinalist in four screenplay contests. It's still available for production. (plug, plug)

Theofantastique Interviews Thomas M. Sipos About Horror Film Aesthetics

2010-11-08T00:07:00.000-08:00

Theofantastique interviewed me about my book, Horror Film Aesthetics.

Read the interview for a free peek into my views on the subject.

Or just buy the book at Amazon.com!

More Verizon Broadband "Sucks" Wireless Ripoffs

2010-10-11T07:53:00.000-07:00

There are many creative ways in which Verizon Broadband "Sucks" Wireless rips off consumers. Here are several ways:

When you sign on, Verizon locks you into a two-year contract. There's a big termination fee. However, if you don't need their broadband wireless service for an extended period, you can suspend the service -- for a $15 suspension fee.

But here's the real ripoff: The suspension only last 90 days. You must call Verizon again after 90 days, to re-suspend. Otherwise, Verizon reactivates your service and starts charging you.

Why not allow you, the consumer, to keep your wireless suspended until you're ready to use it again?

Because Verizon hopes you'll forget after 90 days. Then Verizon can reactivate, and you won't know until you see your bill. And you'll have to re-suspend, plus pay for the time your wireless card was on, but you didn't use it, since you thought it was suspended.

I suspended my card in July, wrote down on my calender that I had to re-suspend in October. Only I re-suspended on October 11, when I should have re-suspended on October 4 (I am told), so now I'll be charge for 7 days usage that I never used.

This "automatic re-activation after 90 days" is all very sleazy. But Verizon gets still sleazier. Here's how:

Verizon doesn't tell you that you can suspend their service. In all the promotional junk they use to tout their service (coverage, how great it is, how much it costs, the two-year service contract), I've never seen any mention that you can suspend the service.

In past years, I left my broadband wireless service on for months of non-usage, because I figured I'd need it again in a few months. Verizon never told me I had the option to suspend. I had to stumble upon that little factoid.

How so?

I called to terminate my two-year contract in July, though I had six months left on it, and only then did Verizon tell me about their option to suspend for 90 days (and you'd better keep track when those 90 days are over).

BTW, Verizon Broadband Wireless is as slow as molasses, with frequent drop-offs. I only use it because I need internet when I travel.

I've used it in Queens, NY (slow), in Denver, CO (extremely slow), and in Santa Monica, CA -- where it doesn't even work.

My Verizon cell phone also has difficulties in Santa Monica. My surfing the internet shows that Verizon wireless services often fail near the beach, and Santa Monica is a beach town.

If you travel and need broadband wireless, you may have no choice but to be ripped off by Verizon or some other carrier, but know that you are being ripped off.

Hollywood Witches's First Two Reviews

2010-08-23T00:00:00.000-07:00

Hollywood Witches has begun to rack up reviews.

Steven Martinovich of Enter Stage Right says:

"Though the inner machinations of Hollywood have been well explored by both writers and filmmakers for decades, Hollywood Witches is still an entertaining read if only because of its unique premise. It obviously targets the liberal pretensions of Hollywood and one could argue that its villain, Däagen, has a point when she argues that diversity in Hollywood is a myth – though her agenda promises to do little to rectify the problem.

"It has genuinely humorous moments and although the witchcraft angle leads to some rather incredulous plot twists, overall it serves its subject matter well."

And Lars Walker of The American Culture writes:

"The chief eponymous witch of the story is Diana Däagen, a figure of satire, gargantuan in her vices and terrifying in her lack of self-awareness. A failed actress, she now works as 'development executive' in a movie studio. She believes herself intensely spiritual and full of love for all humankind, but that doesn’t prevent her from treating her underlings like dirt, using black magic to thwart or kill her enemies, and planning to murder thousands of people at once -- all for enlightened, politically correct purposes, of course...

"Author Sipos has a gift for dialogue (promising in one who -- one assumes -- is a screenwriter), and can be very funny... Hollywood Witches is a commendable effort, which will entertain readers with strong stomachs."

First Halloween Sighting in 2010 -- August 13th

2010-08-14T07:46:00.000-07:00

Halloween being my favorite season of the year, I like for it to begin early and last a long time. By Halloween season, I mean all the decorations, store items, lawn displays, haunted houses, etc.

In 2007, I made my first Halloween sighting on August 7th. That was my earliest sighting to date.

This year, my first Halloween sighting was on August 13th. I was at Wilshire West Car Wash in Santa Monica, CA. They sell greeting cards there, among other items, in the waiting area. Halloween cards were already on display, despite it being over 2 1/2 months away.

BTW, if you want to watch a horror film on Halloween, the best Halloween horror film remains Halloween III: Season of the Witch. This was supposed to be the Halloween series's new direction. From this film onwards, no more Michael Myers. Instead, a new film installment every year, with an entirely different story and cast of characters.

It didn't work out. Halloween III: Season of the Witch was a critical and box office bomb. The fans wanted more Michael Myers. But I disagree. The first Halloween film was great, but it should have been the last Michael Myers film. The series went progressively downhill after the first film, with the notable exception of Halloween III: Season of the Witch, which told a most Halloween appropriate tale, returning the holiday to its dark Celtic roots.

Halloween H20 is the only Halloween/Michael Myers sequel worthy of the first film, taking the story arc full circle, with a darkly innovative performance by Jamie Lee Curtis.

Amber Benson at the Viscera Film Festival

2010-08-02T00:18:00.000-07:00

On July, 17, 2010, I attended the Viscera Film Festival, which I covered for the Hollywood Investigator.

Founded by Shannon Lark and Heidi Martinuzzi, the Viscera is a horror film festival devoted to "horror by women." To win a Viscera Award, a film must be created entirely by women, in front of and behind the camera.

Lark also founded the Chainsaw Mafia film collective, while Martinuzzi runs FanGirltastic.

One nice thing about horror film festivals, apart from seeing horror films, is the chance to meet horror celebrities. Among the people I met was Amber Benson, perhaps best known for her role on Buffy the Vampire Slayer, though she's appeared in many other horror films (e.g.Intermedio and One Eyed Monster). Benson is also an author.

An old cliché is how "nice" celebrities are in person, but Benson's affability seemed sincerely. Asked to pose for a photo, she behaved as though she were the one receiving the favor.

Every year I run the Tabloid Witch Awards horror film contest and festival. I follow the screenings with panel discussions with the actors and filmmakers. I want every film represented, but since there are so many short films, a constant concern of mine is that the panel may end up crowded.

I like small, intimate panels, so we can have a discussion. I thus have a rule: only one representative from each film can sit on the panel. I worry when I have over four people on a panel, and have (luckily) never had more than eight.

Time constraints often prevent breaking up a panel into two smaller panels.

I guess Viscera was also constrained by time. They had only one panel -- with over 20 people participating! Even so, everyone seemed to have a good time, audience and filmmakers alike.

Lenovo Offers Crappy Support

2010-07-31T08:19:00.000-07:00

I'm still trying, now and then, to fix my Thinkpad T40's problem.

A friend tells me that my problem is that since I replaced the hard drive, installing a new Hitachi TravelStar 80 gig 7200 rpm drive in a laptop that was released in 2003, I likely need to update the BIOS. He says this can easily be done. Just put the new BIOS onto a USB flashdrive. When the laptop boots up, it will first go to the USB port, and update the BIOS.

I don't know if that's easy. I went to the Lenovo website, searching for the right BIOS update. Nothing clearly related to my hard drive, and no mention of a BIOS update that can be put on a flash drive. Instead, the website was full of info on how to burn the BIOS update onto a DVD.

So I called Lenovo's toll free help line. Plodded my way though their horrible and annoying phone menu. (Are there any large companies that don't have horrible and annoying phone menus?) I finally connected to a live person.

I spent more time giving him all sorts of numbers from the underside of my laptop. After which he told me that my laptop was past warrenty, so I didn't qualify for assistance on the free help line. He said I could only seek help on the website.

I know my laptop's past warranty. I'm not looking for Lenovo to replace the hard drive or DVD drive. (I already replaced both, out of my pocket -- and bought a new edition of Windows XP since Lenovo doesn't include Windows DVDs with their systems.)

I told the customer service rep that all I wanted was for someone to email me the correct BIOS update. He said I didn't qualify for help on the phone line, and "I am now disengaging this call."

His exact word. "Disengaging." I was "disengaged" by Lenovo. A nicely sterile way of saying "F--- you."

I felt like I was brushed off by Hal 9000.

Since both Lenovo and the HAL 9000 have roots in IBM (even if unintentional), this seems appropriate.

Hollywood Witches Is Now Available in Trade Paperback

2010-06-30T05:16:00.001-07:00

Hollywood says it loves equal opportunity and multicultural diversity. Development executive Diana Däagen thinks the studio's hiring is based more on ageism, sexism, and nepotism.

And so, surrounded by followers of Wicca, astrology, Native American shamans, telephone psychics, UFO prophets, a channeled warlord from Atlantis, and the alchemy of Hermes Trismegistus, Diana's coven of New Age witches hatch a plot to infiltrate and diversify the entertainment industry until Hollywood "looks like America" -- no matter how many eggs must be broken along the way.

Only the intrepid supermarket tabloid reporters of the Hollywood Investigator and Weekly Universe family of family publications can stop Diana's path toward world media domination.

Hollywood Witches is an urban fantasy/satire, available on both paper and on Amazon Kindle.

What's My Thinkpad T40's Problem?

2010-06-12T22:05:00.000-07:00

I own a Lenovo Z61m (bought 2006) as my main laptop, but I still used my T40 (bought 2003) as a backup.

Recently my T40 began having problems. I tried to restore it to its original Windows XP Pro settings via the Access IBM button, but the whole thing crashed and refused to work.

I changed the BIOS to boot from the DVD drive, and tried installing Linux onto it (to save money -- why buy a new operating system for a 2003 laptop?), but always got errors messages (that vary) partway into the installation.

Messages like:

The following file did not match its source copy on the CD/DVD/target/lib/firmware/atmel_at76c503-rfmdaccbin

Or:

[Error 2] No such file or directory:'rofs/var/lib/dpkg/info/hplip-data.nist'

Or:

ERROR 5 INPUT/OUTPUT ERROR

Or:

ERRORS FOUND IN 52 FILES

Some of these errors suggest I might need to clean the DVD or DVD player, but I tried 4 different Linux DVDs; three Ubunto, one Fedora. Two were newly bought, pristine Ubunto DVDs, the other two were scratchy DVDs borrowed from the library.

Eventually I replaced the hard drive with an 80 gig Hitachi Travelstar, 7200 rpm. The problems persisted.

So I replaced the DVD optical drive. The problems persisted.

So I bought a new copy of Windows XP. The problems persisted.

Now I have a 2003 Thinkpad with a brand new hard drive ($120), DVD drive ($50), Windows XP Pro ($50), and two new copies of "free" Ubunto Linux ($30). And it still doesn't work.

A friend suggested I need to update the BIOS firmware so it recognizes the new Hitachi hard drive. I don't know how to do this, or if that's the problem.

Anyone know how I can I fix my T40?

You Can Read a Kindle -- Without a Kindle

2010-05-15T02:35:00.000-07:00

Want to read socio-political satires such as Hollywood Witches, Pentagon Possessed, Manhattan Sharks, or Vampire Nation on a Kindle -- but don't own a Kindle? Don't fret!

You don't need a Kindle to read a Kindle ebook. You can read Kindle ebooks on your laptop, cell phone, iPad, or many other devices by downloading these free Kindle apps from Amazon!

Hollywood Witches Finally Available

2010-04-22T08:59:00.000-07:00

My Horror Film Aesthetics Book Out This May

2010-02-15T06:57:00.001-08:00

This May will see the released of my new book, Horror Film Aesthetics. What's it about? Here is an excerpt from the Preface:

"This is a book about horror film aesthetics. That sounds abstract and theoretical, but quite the contrary, this book is intended to be pragmatic. A practical and useful guide for aspiring horror filmmakers. This book analyzes how various cinematic tools -- acting, makeup, costuming, set décor, framing, photography, lighting, editing, and sound -- have been used by past films to effectively (or in some cases, ineffectively) create horror on screen.

"This book is an 'aesthetic how to' guide for horror filmmakers. Not to help them copy past films, but rather, to spark their imaginations. To expand their understanding of the horror genre -- its nature and appeal to viewers -- and their appreciation for the full creative potential of their film and video equipment. Aspiring filmmakers often read technical manuals to learn what the buttons on their cameras do, but they don't bother to learn how to use those buttons creatively. I know this as a horror film fan, critic, and journalist, and also from screening films for the Tabloid Witch Awards horror film contest and festival, which I founded in 2004 and continue to manage.

"This is not a book about how to use film and video gear. This is a book about how to use film and video gear effectively. In a way that conveys your horror story and themes in a clear, entertaining, and frightening manner.

"Student and independent filmmakers should find this book useful, but it is also intended for the hardcore fan. I hope this book will enable fans to 'see things' in horror films they may have previously missed, and thus gain a deeper appreciation for the genre. An appreciation that leads to greater viewing pleasures."

Verizon Wireless Broadband Disconnects

2010-01-03T12:51:00.000-08:00

Not only does my USB Verizon modem disconnect a few times every hour. But when I try to reconnect, Verizon's program insists that the modem is still running "in another session." So I can't reconnect.

I close the program. I pull out and reinsert the modem. Yet when I run the program again, it sometimes still insists the modem is "in another session."

The only way to fix it is to reboot the laptop entirely. Very time-consuming and annoying. It can take an hour to send a few emails.

Verizon Broadband Wireless is only to be used as a last resort, for when there are no other connection options.

Verizon Broadband Wireless Still Sucks

2009-12-28T21:38:00.000-08:00

I've been using Verizon Broadband Wireless on and off for about four years now. I always sign on when I travel, then cancel soon after because the service is so bad.

Verizon Broadband Wireless is not "scary fast." It's slow. Disconnects are frequent. Sometimes every few minutes. This was true with their PC card. It's true with their USB modem.

Only use it if you have to. I'm using it now, and I hate it.

Amazon Kindle and Sony eReader Self-Publishing

2009-12-15T22:00:00.000-08:00

Last year, Amazon introduced its Kindle ebook. This year, Sony introduced its ereader, which Barnes & Noble is marketing under the Nook name.

I expect consumers to support only one format, and I think Amazon's Kindle will win. I certainly hope so.

For one thing, Amazon makes it easy for authors to self-publish their books, articles, short stories, scripts, poems, whatever, on Kindle. One need only open a Kindle account. You upload your book, and set the price, and it becomes available on Amazon.com.

Amazon requires a minimum price of 99 cents. They take 35% of what you collect.

I've uploaded two of my novels onto Kindle: Vampire Nation and Manhattan Sharks.

I priced them at $1.99. I uploaded Vampire Nation in late June, and Manhattan Sharks only last week.

It's easy. Any author can do it.

Sony only recently opened itself up to self-publishers. I've yet to upload anything onto Sony, but by and by.

In Praise of 1980s "Concept Music Videos" and Literal Music Videos

2009-07-04T08:33:00.000-07:00

I've long been a fan of Meat Loaf, Bonnie Tyler, and Jim Steinmen (who wrote the best songs for both those singers).

I also remember the peak of music videos, the early 1980s. Back then, singers didn't have much influence in music videos, rather, the director was king. This was because singers didn't understand this new format, while directors did.

And one of the leading music video auteurs was director Russell Mulcahy, who established many of the format's early cliches: smoke effects, widescreen black bars, objects breaking in slow-motion.

Mulcahy did "concept videos," as opposed to "performance videos." Concept videos emphasized an abstract, metaphorical interpretation of the music, in which the singer, and the lyrics' literal meaning, was downplayed or even ignored. Performance videos focused on the singer (e.g., Michael Jackson's Thriller.

As singers came to understand the format, they took charge -- taking charge of "their own music" as they saw it. I think that spelled the death of music videos as an art form. Allowing singers to control "their" music videos is like allowing film stars to control "their" films. A film is collaborative. The actors and music composer play a role, but the director should take the lead.

Mulcahy directed many of Kim Carnes's videos, and Bonnie Tyler's Total Eclipse of the Heart. Brilliantly abstract, metaphorical concept videos.

I've just discovered satirical "literal music videos," which redo the lyrics to match the images. This naturally works better (is funnier) with concept videos, rather than performance videos.

And naturally, there's a "literal music video" for Mulcahy's Total Eclipse of the Heart.

Yes, I think it's hilarious. It's been years since I've seen the original video, or even listened to the song. But seeing its "literal" parody, aside from inspiring laughs, also makes me appreciate Tyler, Mulcahy, and Steinmen that much more -- and wish it was the 1980s all over again.

Here's a concept video from the early 1990s. Meat Loaf singing I Would Do Anything for Love, written by Jim Steinman. The "literal" interpretation.

And here's the original Total Eclipse of the Heart.

And the original I Would Do Anything for Love.

Fallen Angels: Slick But Still a Boring Mess

2008-08-14T06:05:00.000-07:00

Fallen Angels boasts all the usual modern horror film visuals (i.e. clichés). Quick MTV edits, grim desaturated colors, gore, etc. Even so, the film is a boring mess.

Confused story. I don't think I would have known what was going on, except I'd read the DVD box before hand, and the characters kept filling me in on stuff they'd learned. (And I'd wonder: how did they figure that out? -- it's not in the film.)

Films opens with stereotypical drunken, horny teens. One's killed, another's kidnapped. Then we're at this prison about to be torn down. We find skeletons in the basement. The FBI comes in to investigate. Turns out many skeletons are over 100 years old.

People die. Some from demons, some from a killer. We find more skeletons. Killed by different people.

More people die, seemingly at random. In the end we learn it has something to do with 7 demons in charge of the 7 deadly sins. Yet I can't really figure out which thinly sketched character was supposed to be guilty of which sin.

Also, a mother is seeking her kidnapped daughter. And an FBI agent discusses his early years as a pastor in Mexico. Where some demon-possessed boy was killed by vigilante villagers.

The FBI agent/pastor also converses with a demon. This demon has really cheap makeup, like in a sitcom. He sounds like some whiny character from a Jerry Seinfeld episode.

I won't give a spoiler, but know that the ending is really unexpected, in a weird way. Not entertaining. Not gripping or anything horrific. Just out of the ballpark.

The production values are slick. But the acting is flat, and the writing is awful.

The best 7 deadly sins film is THE DEVIL WALKS AT MIDNIGHT, aka The Devil's Nightmare. An early 1970s Euro-horror film.

Communist Zombies

2008-07-15T15:05:00.000-07:00

I've not been posting much lately, as I've been working on my book on horror films. Observations that might have been posted here are instead going into my book. More on that later.

In the meantime, here's a video about Communist Zombies (technically, Stalinist Zombies, but it's all the same):

The Caretaker: Not Scary, Not Funny

2008-03-02T00:05:00.000-08:00

Turkey Ranch Productions sent me a review copy of The Caretaker, which is good a bad. It's nice to get a free horror DVD, but it obligates me to review it, which is bad if I didn't think much of it.

The Caretaker is a very short, very low budget affair. Only an hour and 17 minutes long (not including credits).

These generic teenagers meet outside a school dance on Halloween night. And they stay outside. We never go into the building and see the dance itself. (I said this was a low budget affair.)

How low budget? Only a few locations. Most of the film was shot at and around a farmhouse (a few rooms and a field) and inside a limo. Then brief scenes outside the Halloween dance, and in a girl's bedroom, and in a "gym" (it could have been the producer's basement.)

Anyway, the teens meet up outside the dance. The guys had rented a limo, and they take the girls to an abandoned farmhouse, where they'd planned to scare the girls. But it turns out their "scary story" of an insane caretaker is real ... and the caretaker has returned from the asylum (or wherever) that very night ... and, as you might guess, the body count mounts.

The DVD box's marketing is pretty brazen, calling The Caretaker a "classic teen scream." Based on what?

The box brags about the film's "ensemble cast of ridiculously good-looking kids." Well, no. They're good-looking, but only in a bland, generic sense. None of them display any charisma or outstanding beauty.

The cast's bland good looks are matched by their bland acting, as they mouth bland, flat writing.

The promo material that came with the DVD is accurate when it says the film is low on gore. It also positions The Caretaker as the next Scream, promising "laughs and camp."

Yes, it's low on gore. But it's also low on laughs.

The Caretaker is a numbingly unoriginal film, even by slasher standards. I suspect this may be intentional. As "camp," it probably hopes to satirize horror film clichés.

Bad choice. This film is not funny. And for good reason. These horror film clichés were old when Scream attempted to satirize them in 1996 (although Scream had more energy than The Caretaker). These clichés had already been targeted by 1981's Student Bodies.

There's nothing left for The Caretaker to satirize. Its targets are so old, I couldn't even find any attempted jokes until nearly an hour into the film, when the Jennifer Tilly character started talking extremely idiotically. I then thought, okay, I'm probably supposed to laugh at this. I can see how somebody might think this is funny, in an insipid sitcom sense.

Tilly's character is so dummied down, she just mugs for the camera, no real acting. Judd Nelson has a few minutes of screen time in a cameo.

I suspect (I'm guessing here) that the "jokes" are supposed to be that the characters (mostly teenagers) are stupid. But many horror films are already so full of stupid teenagers that "satirizing" stupid teenagers becomes difficult. The Caretaker's stupid teenagers aren't really any dumber than typical horror films' teenagers.

The Caretaker does attempt to "update" its story, such as when the teens say, "This happened in, like, ancient times. Like, the 1980s." (Ho! Ho! -- How that for belly laughs? It's about as funny and original as this film's dialog gets.)

There's nothing new in The Caretaker, either as satire or as horror.

It's an okay film, I guess. Horror completists may wish to check it out, provided they can get it dirt cheap in the bargin bin.

Gargoyles Inconsistencies

2008-02-05T03:37:00.000-08:00

I was watching Gargoyles, and some thoughts occur:

1. The introductory, voice-over monologue claims that gargoyles arise every 600 years -- though later in the film, the head gargoyle claims his group has not been alive for the last 500 years. He also claims that his group had only arisen (they hatch from eggs) a few weeks ago.

So then ... how is it that he knows English? And standard American English at that?

I mean, these gargoyles are based in the American southwest. There were no English speakers in the southwest even 500 years ago.

For that matter, where'd he get that European book which was apparently written in 1417?

2. Many gargoyles have beaks (the females also seem to have feathery fur). How come the head gargoyle has lips, no beak? Different races of gargoyles within the same hatch? But that's a pretty big anatomical difference.

Gargoyles is full of other inconsistencies and oddities, but why be picky? Many fine supernatural/horror TV movies were produced in the 1970s (most of which were produced for ABC), and Gargoyles ... is definitely one of them.

Hey, I like it. It's got cute Jennifer Salt (Sisters) and the late, great Grayson Hall (Dr. Julia Hoffman of Dark Shadows). Gargoyles is not a great classic, but it's worth checking out.

No "Last Girl" in House of Death

2008-01-31T21:53:00.002-08:00

I had a stack of free DVDs before me. I get them because I'm eligible to vote for the SAG Awards. I began watching 3:10 to Yuma. I removed it after 5 minutes. I'll watch it another time.

Why watch some brand new, big-budget Hollywood studio release, when I can instead watch House of Death, a crappy, ultra-low budget 1981 slasher film that I'd only seen twice before?

And House of Death is as crappy as they come. I mean that in a good way (i.e., many, if not all, hardcore horror fans will be forgiving of its weak points, and still find things to enjoy). I did.

The film was shot in North Carolina, with a cast of unknowns (of which my favorite was "Sara", one of the earlier victims and played by Sharon Alley). It opens with a young couple killed while having sex. (How original is that?) Then there's nothing much for the next 40 minutes. Just "exposition" as we follow high school grads, soon to attend college, enjoying a last minute romp at a county fair. Lots of vapid chatter about sex and drugs and such.

Then Sara is killed. Only, this being a horror film, nobody notices that she's missing.

Well, these kids meet that night at a graveyard to share ghost stories. Another girl is killed, but again, nobody notices. Only one story is told before it starts to rain. The kids all run into an abandoned shack.

I guess this is the "house of death" of the film's title. It better be, because by now there's only about 10 - 15 minutes left in the film. And the body count has barely begun.

As if our slasher has suddenly realized the film's about to end, he suddenly starts kliing in earnest. Lots of dead kids, with the usual pointless clichés. (When some kids go looking for their friend, they find him dead and hanging upside down -- why do so many slashers hang their victims' bodies upside down?)

The remaining three kids return to the shack, our slasher coming after them. He breaks in and we see that it's... (I won't spoil it, but the identity of the killer is as arbitrary a "surprise" as in most slasher films). Anyway, he's killed by police before he can finish his job.

Three kids -- count 'em, three! -- survive. Two girls and a guy. Yes, one of the survivors was the requisite Good Girl. She should also have been the Last Girl. Unfortunately, our lazy slasher waited so long to get started, the film ran out before he could finish his craft.

And he was a pathetic-looking slasher indeed, once we saw him. Weak and mortal. Not at all the "uberpsycho" (my coinage) that is Michael Myers or Jason Voorhees.

So add House of Death to those other slasher films I recently blogged about, the ones that are missing a Last Girl. Films such as Hide and Go Shriek and Splatter University. The more you examine horror's slasher subgenre, the more you realize that while a Last Girl was a common element, she was by no means universal.

House of Death was produced at E.O. studios, a North Carolina production house that was founded by Earl Owensby. Esquire did a story on him some 25 years ago, painting him as some sort of southern Roger Corman. Owensby also did A Day of Judgment and (I think) he may have been involved with Final Exam, though that film was shot in South Carolina.

Final Exam also has a pretty piss-poor looking slasher. Just some guy in a green army jacket, who doesn't look very tough.

I also recently re-watched The Prey, about a superhuman killer, his body burned long ago in a forest fire, who goes around killing campers. This film has been criticized for being padded with scenes of stock footage of nature, but I suppose that could be justified (i.e., the "theme" of this slasher film is that Nature is predatory, beast "preying" upon beast).

Hey, that fits with the title, no?

The Prey was distributed by Roger Corman's company, and features a cast of unknowns. It's not to be confused with English filmmaker Norman J. Warren's Prey (aka Alien Prey).

Prey is not among Warren's better work. His two best films are Inseminoid (aka Horror Planet) and the Suspiria-inspired Terror (a personal favorite, which I must have seen a dozen or so times over the last 25 years).

No "Last Girl" in Splatter University

2008-01-28T00:34:00.001-08:00

I'm eligible to vote for the SAG Awards, but when I checked the ballot this year, it was full of films and TV shows that I'd never seen. Like, none of them!

But how can I be expected to see any of this stuff? I'm too busy watching horror movies, many of which I've seen several times already. Why just these past few weeks I re-watched The Haunting, Slaugther High (to name a few) and ... Splatter University!

Splatter University is one of the cheesiest, crappiest, lowest budgeted of the 1980s many cheesy, crappy, low budget slasher films -- yet I like it a lot!

I'm not sure why, but it's got ... something. Its low budget ambiance is similar to that of Don't Look in the Basement. Harsh lighting (no time to set up fill lights), a hollow echo in many of the scenes (no budget for sound blankets), and a no-name cast. Yet Splatter University is one of the few Troma productions which I enjoy -- this and Mother's Day.

What both these Troma films have is that their humor doesn't overwhelm the horror. Tromo is so low budget, their films are often produced in a campy, tongue-in-cheek style. Splatter University and Mother's Day both have that humor, yet the horror remains intact. You can't say that for most Troma films. In many Troma films, the camp kills the horror. (And usually, their films aren't even funny, because the filmmakers and cast are obviously having too much fun onscreen.)

Lloyd Kaufman told me in the summer of 1981 (when I very briefly worked for Troma) that he thought it was the humor that placed Mother's Day) above the typical splatter fare. I got the impression that Mr. Kaufman did not appreciate the horror genre that much; he seemed to hold a greater affection for comedy, and it shows in Troma's output.

SPOILER ALERT...

If you haven't guessed this already, the Last Girl is (unexpectedly) killed at the end of Splatter University. Stabbed to death in an elevator. (Here she is in an earlier scene, at work, teaching at college).

So it seems that a number of 1980s slasher films (contrary to the cliché) did not have a Last Girl.

Problems with Final Destination 3

2008-01-01T04:15:00.000-08:00

A script problem in Final Destination 3. During his sermon at a funeral, the minister says, "We are all equal in the eyes of death."

Student Ian McKinley (Chris Lemche, below) cynically replies that this is nonsense. That the recently deceased girls weren't even 18 years old, whereas Charles Manson made it to 70, Osama bin Laden is still alive, etc.

I sense that screenwriters Glen Morgan and James Wong agree with McKinley's position. Yet their dialog inadvertently supports the minister's position. Death takes the young and old, the innocent and guilty. Death does not judge us, or play favorites. Thus are we all "equal in the eyes of death."

I'm not sure if Morgan and Wong were aware that they wrote the minster as the accurate character, and McKinley as the one spouting nonsense. (Or maybe they did intend it that way, but I sense they intended the opposite of what they wrote).

Also, while watching Final Destination 3, I tried to determine its location. I guessed that it was set in the American northwest. Washington or Oregon, maybe. Then I saw a sign in the film that indicated that we were supposed to be in Pennsylvania. Oh, so that's what Pennsylvania looks like, I thought.

Then when we switched to the subway scene, I thought, I'll bet this is Canada. They often shoot "New York" subway scenes in Vancouver.

Sure enough, the end credits revealed that the film was shot in Vancouver. The northwest.

When will filmmakers realize that Canada does not look like everyplace in the U.S. Toronto does not look like New York. Vancouver does not look like Pennsylvania.

If you're going to shoot in Canada, set the story in Canada, and use Canada's unique locales (as David Cronenberg does so effectively), rather than trying to hide them so you can pretend it's someplace else.

Of course, Final Destination 3 is still enjoyable for its creative death scenes, especially the roller coaster opening.

I am surprised that New Line Cinema funded it. Isn't New Line owned by Time-Warner, which, being a huge corporation, owns some theme park interests? (Don't they all?) Didn't anyone consider that this film should hurt roller coaster attendance? (It certainly validates my avoidance of them!)

Horror Slasher Films Without a "Last Girl"

2007-12-31T17:42:00.000-08:00

One of the "rules" of 1980s slasher films is that every film ends with a "last girl," a tradition begun by Jamie Lee Curtis in John Carpenter's Halloween (1978). Yet a number of films break this rule.

Warning: Spoilers ahead.

Consider Pranks (aka, The Dorm That Dripped Blood). Very low budget. Four college kids (count 'em, just four!), at an deserted college campus. Two guys, two gals. The campus is deserted because the kids are closing it up for the winter break.

Okay, there's a fifth student, Daphne Zuniga (the Last Girl in The Initiation), but Zuniga dies early in this film (nicely run over by a car), along with her parents. Then two other college kids (and the red herring suspect) are killed over the next hour.

That leaves the Last Girl with another kid who turns out to be the psycho killer. There was no reason to suspect him, it's all arbitrary, but that's common and appropriate for horror films, albeit not for mysteries. Mysteries require clues so the audience may guess the killer; horror is about fear, not a puzzle, and a threat is all the more fearsome if its identity is unknowable.

Then this psycho kills the Last Girl. He also successfully fools the cops, so he gets off. We know he'll be out there killing again.

Then there's Hide and Go Shriek. Eight high school kids celebrate their graduation by hiding out in a furniture store for sex and hijinks. They can do this because one of their dads owns the store, Fine Furniture. (This is similar to the kids hiding out in the mall in The Initiation, because, you guessed it, Daphne Zuniga's dad owns the mall.)

The killer in Hide and Go Shriek turns out to be a cross-dressing gay. Probably a less likely villain in today's more PC climate, but standard for the time. What's remarkable about Hide and Go Shriek is that four of the eight students (two guys and two girls) survive!

That's right. Eight potential victims, and fully half of them survive. Yes, there are some incidental victims, but four survivors does not make for a very generous body count. Still, Hide and Go Shriek is entertaining, in that "1980s low budget slasher" sort of way.

And there's also Intruder, a very nice film about grocery clerks closing up a store that's about to be sold and torn down. Not only does the killer survive, but so do two of the kids -- the potential Last Girl (Elizabeth Cox) and her ex-boyfriend -- who are then falsely arrested for the murders. As in Pranks, the cops are fooled.

Again, this is appropriate for horror, if not for mysteries. The latter genre seeks order, while the former creates fear by disrupting that order. If the cops are inept, the world becomes a more fearsome place.

Intruder features Renée Estevez, who also appears in Sleepaway Camp II: Unhappy Campers. Estevez is sister to Emilio Estevez and Martin Sheen, daughter of Martin Sheen.

All the the above films are recommended for hardcore horror fans. By "hardcore," I mean "forgiving." Only a forgiving, hardcore fan would enjoy some of the above ultra-low budget fare, Pranks being the lowest budgeted.

How Extras Were Exploited on Embrace of the Vampire

2007-12-12T01:40:00.000-08:00

Let me demonstrate how extras are sometimes exploited in the film industry. Let me tell you of my day as an extra on Embrace of the Vampire.

Embrace of the Vampire is a soft-core porn ripoff of Bram Stoker's Dracula. Both films feature a vampire pursuing the reincarnation of his centuries-old love. Both films aspire to a sort of "vampire romance." At the end of Embrace of the Vampire, Martin Kemp's tearful bloodthirsty angst, Alyssa Milano's tearful rediscovery of her love, the "tragic" star-crossed finale, and the Christian iconography, all mirror Bram Stoker's Dracula. One senses that director Goursaud was trying to rise above her porn material.

But Embrace of the Vampire is no poor woman's Bram Stoker's Dracula. Milano is no Winona Ryder and Kemp is no Gary Oldman. For that matter, none of the other talent on this film compare to their counterparts. And the budget just wasn't there. The strength of low-budget horror is a gritty authenticity, which this film tries to hide rather than utilize.

How low was the budget?

I worked one day as an extra on Embrace of the Vampire. It was in 1993 or '94. Don't look for me. I ended up on the cutting room floor, and extras are rarely mentioned in credits. But let me tell you an "inside story" on the making of this film.

We were shooting in a nightclub on the Sunset Strip. The extras were divided into three camps: union, nonunion, and Modesto extras. Union extras earn the most, especially once overtime kicks in, so they were wrapped after eight hours. (They were only hired in the first place to fill a union quota.) This was during my nonunion days (I'm in SAG now), so I put in a full 14 hours, after which we were paid in cash and wrapped. The Modesto extras were still working when we left.

Now what, you may ask, is a Modesto extra? I also wondered, and so I asked one. I was told that they were from an acting class in Modesto, California. They had been bussed in to work on the film as part of a "class assignment." In other words, they were paying to come to work.

There's not a whole lot to learn about being an extra. It's neither glamorous nor difficult. And nonunion extra jobs for twentysomethings are very easy to come by. The lampposts in Los Angeles are covered with flyers seeking cattle ... ehr, extras. I did it for the cash, and because if you do it often enough, you increase your chances of getting into the union. Which I did, after some 13 grueling months.

Never pay for the "chance" to be an extra, not in Los Angeles. I made the mistake of volunteering (i.e., working for free) to be an extra a few times when I first started out, but I soon wised up. I certainly never paid.

My guess is that the producers of Embrace of the Vampire paid the acting teacher to bus down some cattle, paying far less than even nonunion extras cost. I know this teacher was getting paid by the students, and that the students were not getting paid to be on the film. So the teacher was double-dipping, getting paid by both the film and the students.

The film didn't care; they were getting cattle at below market rates. And the students didn't care; they were getting ripped off, but they didn't know it.

When I advised one "Modesto extra" that he was getting a raw deal, he grew indignant, saying, "Well, that's easy for you to say, but we don't have the same opportunities to be an extra in Modesto that you have in Los Angeles."

I suppose I can understand his feelings. I loved working on Bram Stoker's Dracula. But there you had Francis Ford Coppola and Winona Ryder. And I saw Gary Oldman and Anthony Hopkins. And we worked on the Universal and Sony studios. And still we got paid.

By comparison, Embrace of the Vampire was a low-budget job, shot in a dingy nightclub. Nothing wrong with that, but you shouldn't do it for free. You certainly shouldn't pay for the chance to sit in a dingy nightclub with B-list "stars."

In Los Angeles, actors sometimes pay for the chance to appear in plays, in what are called "showcase" productions. While (a scant few) tickets are sold, showcase productions are mostly done for the benefit of managers, agents, and casting directors, all of whom receive free invites. Showcase productions are theater's answer to vanity publishing.

Okay, I can understand investing in your own play, along with the other actors, in order to perform a speaking role before casting people. But paying to be an extra? Sure, the Modesto extra claimed he was getting an "education." And the teacher did lecture to the Modesto extras between takes (so he couldn't be accused of fraud?). But even so, never pay to be an extra.

If paying to be an actor is like paying to be published, then paying to be an extra is like paying to run the copier at a publishing house, so as to learn about the industry. Copiers are run by minimum wage temps or by unpaid interns. It takes one poor, dumb bastard to actually pay for that sort of "learning experience."

Another inside story regarding Embrace of the Vampire: Someone stole a silver wolf pin belonging to a crew member. She was near tears because it had sentimental value. Never leave anything of value lying around on a set.

And some trivia: John Stanley says this film was "originally conceived as The Nosferatu Diaries," but on the set, we were told the working title was The Collector.

Oh yes, about my scene. We were in a smoky room. I was supposed to cross with a woman on my arm. But in that scene, two people (Milano and Kemp, I suppose), were making out. I and the lady on my arm were watching. Only after the scene ended did she and I notice the A.D. frantically signaling us to cross.

So we'd missed our cues. But it was okay, because many of us had missed our cues. The extras, the crew, we'd all been gawking at the actors' hot, steamy makeout. Tense laughter followed after the scene ended and we all realized how we'd all been gawking.

That was the first take. No missed cues after that.

Embrace of the Vampire was no Bram Stoker's Dracula, but I enjoyed it, though I was glad when my 14-hour day was done. I'd spent much of it on the club's second floor, hanging out with the other extras, talking Monty Python and stuff. Someone played a piano. We were served a good meal of Domino's pizza. (One woman complained that Domino's was "anti-choice" on abortion.) I didn't lose any jewelry. And I was paid in cash at the end of the day.

I Was an Extra on Bram Stoker's Dracula

2007-11-28T01:08:00.001-08:00

Sony's recent release of a two-disc DVD edition of Bram Stoker's Dracula brought back memories. And anticipation. Till now, there was only the one-disc edition, with no special features. No deleted scenes. Not "making of" documentaries.

Why my anticipation?

Because I spent some of the 1990s working as a film and TV extra, and my first gig was on Bram Stoker's Dracula. It being my "first time," I fondly recall my time working on that film (despite very long hours, it didn't feel like work at all), and I'd hoped to see more of myself in the special features.

No such luck. There's nothing of me in the special features. But the seeing the documentaries on the two-disc DVD did bring back memories.

I'd been working in a producer's office, two rooms the third floor of a building in Hollywood. On the second floor was a casting director's office. Shortly after my producer boss was evicted for non-payment of rent, I saw a casting notice in Daily Variety seeking "English, Turkish, and East European types" for Francis Ford Coppola's new Dracula film. The notice mentioned the casting office on the second floor.

I'd never done any acting before, but my parents are Hungarian (my father Transylvanian). When I so informed the casting office, they said they were eager to see me.

They didn't call me into the Hollywood building. Instead, I was called to the Sony lot and asked to audition in Romanian, improvising a frightened man. I explained that I spoke Hungarian, not Romanian. The CD said that was fine. So I acted frightened, in Hungarian.

The CD said that all audition tapes would be reviewed by Coppola himself. So I guess I've been seen by Coppola.

I can affirm the rumors that Coppola was a perfectionist on that film. The CD's walls at Sony were covered with old photos and sketches of late 1800s scenes from England and Romania. Coppola seemed determined to capture the look and feel of that time and place with accuracy. (The DVD's special features indicates that he took some creative leeway, but he certainly began his journey with extensive research.)

I didn't get a speaking role, but I was phoned a few days (or weeks?) later, and invited to be an extra on the film, because of my "East European look." I was later told, on the set, that another reason for casting me was that I had longish hair, which was true of Englishmen in 1897. (That's right, despite my "East European look, I was cast as an Englishman.) And men with longish hair were hard to find just then (in December 1991), because a lot of military films had recently been shot, so there were few male extras with longish hair. (Lots of military crewcuts, though.)

I was called in for a wardrobe fitting. They gave me a long black coat.

My first scene was with Anthony Hopkins. I was one of the medical students. There must have been a still photographer wandering about, because I ended up (uncredited) on page 87 of James Hart's lavishly illustrated published screenplay.

Curiously, I'm standing on the first tier (just above Hopkins) in the photo in the book, yet I'm standing on the second tier in the film. I don't remember why. I suppose they'd moved us medical students around, trying to determine the best setup, and the still photographer did his work at one point in the day, while the scene itself was shot by the cinematographer at some other time.

Us medical students kept wandering about the stage during breaks, upsetting the P.A. She said, "I swear, you're the antsiest bunch of extras I've ever seen." Antsiest. Her exact word. I never forgot that.

Some of the extras endured additional makeup, with mustaches and sideburns glued to their faces. I had a natural beard at the time (still do), so I escaped that ordeal. They did spray some plastic on my hair, to set in place the late 19th century hair style they'd given me.

At one point Hopkins addressed us extras up in the tiers. He asked, "Are you all actors?" Many of us answered yes. Hopkins then asked for a show of hands to see which of us were actors. I sort of half raised my hand, not sure if I considered myself one or not. I'd only just stumbled into this "acting thing," and was still wondering if I might pursue it further.

After the scene was wrapped, I overheard some A.D. or P.A. discussing the need for another extra for that night's chapel scene. (They were shooting round the clock.)

Remember the chapel scene at the start of the film, when Gary Oldman weeps over his dead bride? That was shot over two nights. And apparently, one of the monks who'd stood behind the priest on the first night of shooting had fallen sick and was unavailable for the second night. I came forward and volunteered to fill in for the monk. They accepted my offer.

So in that scene, sometimes one of those two silent monks is me, sometimes not.

Neither Anthony Hopkins nor Winona Ryder was on the set that night. Gary Oldman was the only star present, hunched over and crying. I knew he'd been in Sid and Nancy, a film that I'd liked, but I didn't recognize him on set. I was impressed with his work in the chapel scene. After the scene was wrapped, I said something to him like, "Very impressive work. Very good." He smiled and thanked me, tears still staining his face.

I didn't know at the time that extras weren't supposed to speak to the actors, but Oldman seemed not to mind.

The A.D. gave me a separate voucher for the chapel scene, apart from my previous voucher for the medical school scene. Thus was I paid for two full "days," although I'd worked the scenes back-to-back.

Maybe the production saved money by clocking me for two days. If they'd treated the medical school and chapel scenes as the same day, I might have earned some serious overtime. But I was nonunion back then, so the work rules were flexible as applied to me. And I didn't care about the money. Not then. It was my first time on a Hollywood film set, and I just wanted the experience to last. I'd have done it for free.

The A.D. did approve a "translation bump" for me, about $20 as I recall. This was because Oldman had been seeking some Romanian phrase or remark, not to speak, just to internalize, to help him assume character. So I'd told the A.D. some Hungarian phrases, which he'd passed on to Oldman.

Oldman was quite the Method Actor. He was indeed impressive to watch on set, and the results of his Method work remain evident on film.

I came in for a two other days. I was one of some 400 extras in the London street scenes shot on Universal's backlot. Both the daylight scenes and night time scenes.

The extras were kept in large tents. One large tent served as a dressing room for the men. Another large tent was the women's dressing room. One woman gasped upon seeing other women undressing in the tent. "You can't be shy in this business," another woman commented.

An even larger tent was a coed holding pen, where both men and women waited while not working on set, chatting and reading and snoozing. It had rained and the grass was moist. One middle-aged woman sketched her fellow extras. She sketched me in my costume, and gave it to me when done. I still have her work, framed and on my wall.

We were well fed. I was told that wasn't always the case, especially with crowd scenes. One extra described working on Steven Spielberg's Hook. "Lunch was some popcorn," he said.

Back on the set, I asked an extra if there were any stars on the set that day. "Winona Ryder," I was told. It was the first I'd ever heard the name. Although I was a fan of horror films even back then, I'd not yet seen Beetlejuice or Edward Scissorhands, because those films sounded like they had too much comedic or fantasy content, respectively.

"What's Winona Ryder look like?" I asked, hoping for a glimpse of a star. "She's a little thing," I was told.

I rented Bram Stoker's Dracula when it was first released on video, eagerly seeking myself. Ryder made no impression on me, and I promptly forgot her when the film ended. I never saw her in anything again until earlier this decade, when I saw Lost Souls.

Everything in and about Lost Souls blew me away, and I then watched everything Ryder had appeared in over the previous decade and a half. So yes, now I'm a fan. Yes, she's got a very impressive body of work, especially Girl Interrupted. But her name meant nothing to me all throughout the 1990s; I'd even forgotten that she'd been in Bram Stoker's Dracula. Go figure.

After they wrapped a daytime scene, they brought in a second unit crew and a new group of extras. They also asked if any of us wanted to stay for a second "day" that night. I naturally volunteered.

I didn't make it into the daytime scenes in the final cut. Maybe they didn't film me. Maybe I ended up on the cutting room floor. I am in a night time scene; the one outside the railroad station, when Johnathan Harker returns from the Continent and sees Dracula "young again." I'm crossing the street, carrying a piece of luggage. I do my cross right after a horse-drawn carriage crosses my path.

A P.A. had wanted to give my luggage it to another extra. I was hesitant, because I'd signed for the suitcase with the Props Dept, so I was responsible for its return. I asked the P.A. if we could notify the Props Dept. "Never mind!" the P.A. snapped. "I don't mind," I said, not wanting to be difficult. "It's just that I'm responsible." The P.A. was testy, but replied, "Don't worry, it's not your fault."

I also had a scene with the white wolf. Or rather, I was called in, then taken out before anything was shot. They were trying different set ups. I'd stood facing the wolf, from eight or ten feet away, the wolf looking happy, yet unleashed. I was told it was only part wolf, and well fed. There were crew around me, and I was told it was safe, but not to make any sudden moves. "Because if you do," said a big, burly crewman, standing right behind me, "he'll BITE YOUR BALLS OFF!"

I worked on over 60 productions in the 1990s, on and off. Some I worked on for weeks, some only a day. Movies and sitcoms, commercials and infomercials, even a Japanese TV commercial shot in California. Many days were long and grueling, 14 to 16 hours. Work conditions got cushier, and the pay better, after I was admitted into SAG in 1994. Even so, the novelty of being on a set wore off, and I grew to dislike extra work. I stopped about 1997 or '98.

My personal record for the longest day working as an extra remains my time on Bram Stoker's Dracula, about 23 hours on set in one day. However, that day didn't feel long. It was a fun adventure, one that I never wanted to end. And although I didn't make it into the 2 DVD edition's special features (maybe when they release a 3-disc edition?), I retain fond memories of working on that film.

Soup Nazi is actually a Soup Objectivist

2007-11-03T22:59:00.000-07:00

The Soup Nazi from season seven of Seinfeld is really a Soup Objectivist. He doesn't kill anyone. He merely insists on running his business, his way.

One can imagine this Soup Objectivist saying, in Roarkian terms, "I do not cook in order to have customers; I have customers in order to cook!"

And also, "Anyone who would buy my soup must eat it my way, on my terms!"

The Soup Objectivist serves as a good example of how Ayn Rand misunderstood businesspeople. Real businesses want customers. That's why they spend so much on market research.

Burger King says, "Have it your way!"

This is why the world is full of Burger Kings, whereas Soup Objectivists are only found in sitcoms, satires, and Ayn Rand novels.

Karl Marx's "Erupting Skin Boils" Gave Birth to Communism

2007-10-31T06:05:00.000-07:00

What inspired Karl Marx to found Communism? Not humanism, as his defenders say.

Rather, a dermatologist suggests that Karl Marx suffered from "self-loathing and alienation" due to a repulsive and embarrassing skin disease.

Ugh, what a creep!

The Pianist Who Liked Ayn Rand

2007-10-24T08:03:00.001-07:00

Libertarian satires of Ayn Rand extend at least as far back as Jerome Tuccille's nonfiction It Usually Begins With Ayn Rand (1971). Such works appeal to libertarians' conflicted admiration for Rand; her books inspired many readers to trek down the intellectual path to libertarianism, yet Rand's authoritarian personal life was a Stalinist parody of her individualist philosophy (e.g., her living room "show trials" of acolytes who'd violated the Objectivist "party line").

Rand herself was in no way conflicted over libertarians, whom she called "a random collection of hippies of the right." In 1976, she enthusiastically supported Gerald Ford for president over both Reagan and Carter, never mind the LP's Roger MacBride. Nor did she share many a libertarians' self-deprecating humor, which she regarded as a form of "sanction of the victim." She'd reputedly said that "laughing at yourself is like spitting in your own face." Who would John Galt laugh at? Not himself, certainly.

But all this history is mostly unknown to "outsiders," who often confuse Rand's Objectivism with libertarianism. Thus it may surprise Gene H. Bell-Villada (a National Book Critics Circle Award finalist and, one presumes, a good "progressive") to learn that many libertarians will delight in his "The Pianist Who Liked Ayn Rand," a 63-page novella that also lends its title to his 13-piece collection.

The novella will resonate with libertarians. Many of us have seen, or read of, or heard of real-life versions of Bell-Villada's characters. (I had a high school classmate who turned "Randroid" for a few years.) In "The Pianist," a university music student studies Rand to impress an Objectivist coed. But despite mastering an ability to spout boilerplate Objectivism, his amorous advances fall short of the Roarkian aggression needed to impress the coed.

Most of Bell-Villada's protagonists are nerdy Latinos; bookish beta males with a love of classical music. In "The Prize" a Puerto Rican boy is obsessed with a classical music radio station. But when he finally finds the courage to call the station and win a classical recording, it turns out to be an LP -- and his family's record player only accepts 78s. In "The Customer" a lonely engineer spends every Saturday savoring The New Yorker--articles, advertising, and all. His admiration for an unseen model's legs inspires him to drive to the liquor store and see if he can find a display ad featuring that same model.

In Randian terms, Bell-Villada's stories are naturalistic rather than romantic. Brief sketches of ordinary people pursuing minor dreams, defeated by petty, random events. His stories are satirical, minimalist, and literary. The sort of "slices of life" favored by university presses. Heavy on character rather than plot.

The Pianist Who Liked Ayn Rand remains in print, and inexpensive used copies are available on Amazon.com. Some of the stories are better than others, but libertarians shouldn't care. "The Pianist Who Liked Ayn Rand" alone is worth the price.

Halloween Begins August 7th

2007-08-09T16:57:00.000-07:00

It's well known that Halloween starts earlier every year.

Last year I spotted Halloween-themed clothing in a Rego Park, NY Sears on August 16. Orange-and-black sweater tops for women, featuring witch logos. A witch on a broomstick. Of course, it's possible that Sears put those items on display before August 16.

This year my first "Halloween sighting" was in a Santa Monica, CA Rite Aid on August 7. Two big novelty toys. One of them a giant plastic skull that supposedly flashes lights, or tells fortunes, or whatever, when you turn it on. I didn't try it, so I'm not sure what it does.

Again, it's possible that Rite Aid put these Halloween items on display prior to August 7.

I suppose it's only fair that Halloween get a jump on the Back To School sales, since last year I saw Christmas items on display in a Santa Monica Sav-On weeks before Halloween was over.

Speaking of which, now might be a good time to read Halloween Candy.

Iris Dorbian of Checkmate

2007-07-13T07:23:00.001-07:00

Back in the 1980s, when I was an NYU film student, I shot a shot a slasher film. (It was the 1980s -- who didn't shoot a slasher film?). A short film, 25 minutes, on super-8 film, called Checkmate. About a psycho chess player. It ran on some cable public access channels in Los Angeles and New York.

I hadn't thought of Checkmate in many years. Then just recently, I got an email from Iris Dorbian, who played the Last Girl. (Every slasher film had a Last Girl). Iris found me on the internet, and just contacted me to say hello. Turns out she'd quit acting and gone into journalism. She now covers the theater scene in NY.

It also made me think to google Frank Craven, who played the psycho in Checkmate. Frank's still around too. Still living in Manhattan.

One of the things I remember about Frank was his play, Authority vs. Majority, which he'd told me about. Going to his website, it seems he finally had some success with it in 1999. Goes to show you should never give up.

Makes me wonder, should I take another look at Checkmate and expand it into a feature film? It wasn't art, but it was as good as any other slasher film out there.

Which Horror Killer Are You?

2007-05-05T22:59:00.002-07:00

Why don't Cosmo quizes ever ask any important questions. For instance, why don't they ever ask: Which Horror Killer Are You?

And if you're wondering, the quiz says that I'm Jigsaw.

Kurt Vonnegut, RIP

2007-04-11T21:02:00.000-07:00

Kurt Vonnegut has died at 84.

That's really sad. Of all living authors, Vonnegut was the only one that I deeply wanted to meet. Every time I was in New York, I'd planned to see if he was doing any appearances, but I always put it off. My loss.

I began reading Vonnegut in high school. His last great book was
Breakfast of Champions in 1973. He didn't think much of it. In 1972 Harlan Ellison wrote in Dangerous Visions that he'd asked Vonnegut how his new book was coming along. Vonnegut reportedly told Ellison that he'd stopped working on it because "it was a piece of shit." Even so, Vonnegut completed
Breakfast and it was quite good.

Breakfast was eventually made into a film, as were Vonnegut's Slaughterhouse-Five, Mother Night, and Happy Birthday Wanda June. Though all were faithful to his books, I didn't care for any of them. I don't think Vonnegut adapts well. You can't just film the story and dialog. For Vonnegut to work, you need his "voice," inherent in his prose. Take that voice away, and the resulting film carries the story's pessimism, but loses the black comedy that makes it bearable.

I also wonder, in this post-literate world of MTV and video games, if any contemporary novelist can be as influential as Vonnegut was with contemporary generations?

Also see my article on how Vonnegut's 1952 Player Piano works as a brilliant satire of today's Neocon America.

Amy Levy's Reuben Sachs

2007-04-07T11:44:00.001-07:00

I've recently discovered Amy Levy. She's a late Victorian writer who, since about 1990, has been undergoing a rediscovery. She wrote three novels before her death-by-suicide in 1889. Reuben Sachs is generally considered her greatest work, a study of Anglo-Jewish life in 1880s London. The book is only a little over 100 pages (not including commentary by scholars; another of her three "novels" is barely 60 pages, so it's really not a novel).

Aside from being Jewish, Levy was a feminist, reputedly a lesbian, a friend of such notables as Oscar Wilde, plus she committed suicide at the young age of 27. (The ideal death age to assure an artist's immortality: Kurt Cobain, Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Jim Morrison, Brian Jones.)

So then why was Levy unknown and out of print for so long? Some theorize that Jews were offended by Levy's Reuben Sachs, which painted a critical picture of what Levy regarded as the materialism and sexism of Jewish culture.

It's an interesting work, thoughtful and moving and depressing. I suppose to some extent it's because we know the author eventually killed herself. Perhaps for no rational reason, suicide lends "authenticity" to an artist's work, imbuing her work with a pain that reaches across time. Knowing Levy's novels and life story, we wish we could have met and talked with her.

I seem to be on a Victorian binge. Just before Reuben Sachs, I read G.K. Chesterton's The Man Who Was Thursday. Some sharp satirical dialog -- and often insightful -- in what is sometimes called a spy thriller, but is really an absurdist comedy that grows into a Christian allegory. (And since it was published in 1908, it's really Edwardian rather than Victorian.) Chesterton tries to surprise, but as the novel progressed, I saw the twists coming. Even so, its humor and insight makes it worth sticking with to the end.

Then there is George Gissing's New Grub Street. Every writer should read this tale of the 1880s London literary scene. It seems the writer's life in 2007 is very much like that in the 1880s. There's even talk of how modern technology will revolutionize publishing paradigms and liberate authors. In our case, it's publishing-on-demand and the internet; in New Grub Street it's the telegraph, which will supposedly liberate authors from publishers by granting authors independent access to foreign markets. Didn't happen then, not happening now.

New Grub Street is some 560 pages, but I couldn't put it down. Its has literary scams, writers block, sleazy "agents" selling services to authors, struggling artists, cynical hacks, authors who lament readers' shrinking attentions spans, rejection slips, low pay, one author who's stricken with cataracts, another who must rush into a burning building to save the only copy of his recently completed novel, and much else. Plus, a large cast of memorable characters and exciting storylines (at least to other authors; I suppose few readers care that much about whether this or that character will get a rejection slip).

I highly recommend all three of the above books.

2007 World Horror Con blues

2007-04-02T01:30:00.000-07:00

I've attended most every World Horror Con since Seattle in 2001. I missed Chicago in 2002. Then -- I was at all of them. Kansas City, Phoenix, New York, San Francisco. I was "gonged" at the Seattle Gross-Out Contest, but placed 4th at the San Francisco Gross-Out.

But I missed Toronto. Why? Partially because of new federal rules requiring passports to travel by plane to Canada. Too much hassle for someone like me, who hasn't been out of the US in decades. (Privacy advocates also worry that the new passports have radio chip implants: Terrorists Chip In).

So our encroaching police state kept me away from World Horror in Toronto. I wonder about the total economic impact of all these new security measures?

I do expect to be at the 2008 World Horror Con in Salt Lake City.